UGGGGHHH

So I've had the stomach flu since Friday night. Yay! It was pretty horrible. Thankfully R and I are passed the stage where it might be embarrassing. The icing on the cake however, was starting my period in the middle of it. How did I get so lucky? I'm feeling better today, finally. I managed to keep down a small salad for dinner.

My motivation for this semester is just gone. In fact, I just feel like I never had it. I don't know if I'm just not into my classes or what. It's not like I'm flunking. I might get a "B" in Keyboarding 2. Hardly failing I know, but last semester I would have cried. I think my depression is just kicking my ass. My depression seems to flare up pretty bad in the winter, so I'm hoping that now that it's April and getting warmer that I can cheer up on my own. I really, really, don't want to go back on my Lexapro. I can do this!

Need to Get Workin on My Fitness

I really need to lose weight. I'm miserable. I feel awful in everything I wear, I feel completely unattractive. I get these random bursts of motivation, and I'll do great for a few days, and then I something happens and I get discouraged. I hate myself at this weight. I'm not huge by any means, but this is by far the biggest I've ever been.

So far this week, I've done really well. I'm really trying hard to see it not as a diet, but as a lifestyle change. Now I just need to get my chunky butt off the couch to work out! My husband is a huge inspiration. He lost 75 pounds before we met, and has kept the weight off for years. He eats extremely healthy, works out every day (even at work) and is just amazing. I wish I had his motivation!

Part of me thinks, well. We're going to start trying for a baby in 6 months. Does it really make sense to lose all the weight just to get pregnant? And then I say SILENCE BRAIN! It does make sense! My body is a vessel for our child, and I need to do a better job in making myself a healthier host.

This semester is almost over!

I finished one of my classes yesterday! It'll be nice only having to be on campus two days a week now. So far I believe I have an "A" in all my classes, though I am expecting a "B" in Keyboarding 2. I just can't seem to get my hands to cooperate for my timings. Last semester I would have cried over a "B", but this semester, I'm ok with it. It really isn't the end of the world. I enrolled in summer and fall classes.To say I'm dreading my accounting class is an understatement, but I just have to suck it up. Graduation is in sight!

I ordered two pregnancy/baby books from Amazon. I wanted to steer clear form WTEWYE, so I went for Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn:  The Complete Guide by Penny Simkin and Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth:  The Childbirth Bible for Today's Parents by Dr. Miriam Stoppard. I should be getting the first title today, and I'm really excited to start reading!

Tonight I'm going to a going away party for some good friends of ours that are moving to Hawaii! So jealous, but so happy for them. I'll be the only sober one there, but it doesn't bother me. I still have a good time. Party time, excellent!

I guess I'll join the bandwagon....

Today has just been one of those days. You know the kind. It tries your sanity, makes you cry. I hate those days. Not sure any one really likes them, but hey. Some people are weird. Dealing with bad emotions was really, really hard for me when I got clean. (I was an opiate addict for years, now three years clean). When you've had a bad day it's easier to stick a needle in your arm and flush away your problems than to deal with it. Three years later and this is still a struggle. I guess it always will be.

Today my little sister tells me her and her DH have started trying. Long story short, they're both incredibly immature and are in no way financially or emotionally ready for a baby. It felt like I got punched in the gut. I'm almost 28, and have known for my whole life I was made to be a mother. It feels like my uterus is screaming at me to get pregnant, which is a joke of course but still true in a way. I know that even if she gets pregnant this month, it has no bearing on my fertility, it doesn't mean there is one less baby in the world that will now never be mine. Still, it sucks. Life will go on...