I lost all my friends when I got clean.
I'm not very happy today.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
CD 2
I think I'm bleeding to death. Not really, but sweet Jebus this month's period isn't messing around. I've had the worst cramps ever. I've already maxed out on my ibuprofen, so looks like I'll be cuddle up with the heating pad all night.
I have homework to do, but I don't want to do it. I want to continue eating chocolate and watch Buffy on Netflix.
I have homework to do, but I don't want to do it. I want to continue eating chocolate and watch Buffy on Netflix.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
I dread tomorrow.
Tomorrow is Father's Day. This year, I really am just dreading it. My dad is still alive, he didn't run out on us, and he is usually there when I need him. Not anymore.
I'm still debating whether or not to even call him tomorrow. I've been calling and texting him for 3 months with no response. Him and his new wife update Facebook every day, so why can't he call me back? I found out today that aside from my sister E's wedding, my sister S hasn't talked to him in over a year. He never called to tell her happy birthday, he never called to wish her son a happy birthday, and what hurt her the most is that last year when she was going through a very painful divorce he ignored all her phone calls.
It's no secret that I've had a lifetime of parental issues. My parents are both alcoholics. My parents divorced when I was 16, after Dad had gotten arrested in front of my little sister. He spent 3 months in jail and swore to me that he would spend every day of his life making it up to us, making everything up to us.
My mom lacks the maternal instinct. Well. let me rephrase that, she only bonds with certain kids. I knew as early as 4 that my mom didn't treat me the same way she treated 2 of my sisters. To this day, those 2 sisters walk on water while the 3 other kids get nothing from her. I'm not talking about money or gifts (although those 2 get cars, clothes, cell phones, etc, while we get nothing), I mean the entire time I lived in California I never heard from her. Two whole years. I would try to call, and I would get nothing. But she would call my sister who also lived in California every fucking Sunday. R and I moved to IL over a year ago, live in the same town as my mom, and she has no idea where we live. She's never been to my house. But she goes to my little sister's house (who lives a few miles out of town) all the time.
My parents blew all our money of drinking and (probably) drugs. My dad bounced around from job to job. We were homeless a few times. We rarely had electricity or running water when we did actually have a place to live. We never had clean clothes. We ate Ramen almost every night for dinner. I got teased mercilessly. CPS got called multiple times, and somehow, we were never taken away. Sometimes, I wondered how I would of ended up if we had.
When I see people joke around on TB about drinking, I kind of get stabby. I understand that not everyone who drinks will turn into an alcoholic, but I still don't find it funny when people joke about drinking a bottle of wine a night. That's just my own issue though, so I don't comment when I see it.
My mom just acts like none of this happened. It's only talked about among the kids. My mom and dad are both RN's (my mom always has been, my dad graduated nursing school after the divorce. He was going to make everything up to us, remember?) and make very good money for themselves. That doesn't make everything just go away. I'm still so angry at both of them. SO FUCKING ANGRY! I want a goddamn apology. I want a redo. I want to know what it's like to grow up with parents that care about you.
This was heavy. I've just been crying about it all week and it felt good to get it out!
I don't think my dad deserves that phone call tomorrow.
I'm still debating whether or not to even call him tomorrow. I've been calling and texting him for 3 months with no response. Him and his new wife update Facebook every day, so why can't he call me back? I found out today that aside from my sister E's wedding, my sister S hasn't talked to him in over a year. He never called to tell her happy birthday, he never called to wish her son a happy birthday, and what hurt her the most is that last year when she was going through a very painful divorce he ignored all her phone calls.
It's no secret that I've had a lifetime of parental issues. My parents are both alcoholics. My parents divorced when I was 16, after Dad had gotten arrested in front of my little sister. He spent 3 months in jail and swore to me that he would spend every day of his life making it up to us, making everything up to us.
My mom lacks the maternal instinct. Well. let me rephrase that, she only bonds with certain kids. I knew as early as 4 that my mom didn't treat me the same way she treated 2 of my sisters. To this day, those 2 sisters walk on water while the 3 other kids get nothing from her. I'm not talking about money or gifts (although those 2 get cars, clothes, cell phones, etc, while we get nothing), I mean the entire time I lived in California I never heard from her. Two whole years. I would try to call, and I would get nothing. But she would call my sister who also lived in California every fucking Sunday. R and I moved to IL over a year ago, live in the same town as my mom, and she has no idea where we live. She's never been to my house. But she goes to my little sister's house (who lives a few miles out of town) all the time.
My parents blew all our money of drinking and (probably) drugs. My dad bounced around from job to job. We were homeless a few times. We rarely had electricity or running water when we did actually have a place to live. We never had clean clothes. We ate Ramen almost every night for dinner. I got teased mercilessly. CPS got called multiple times, and somehow, we were never taken away. Sometimes, I wondered how I would of ended up if we had.
When I see people joke around on TB about drinking, I kind of get stabby. I understand that not everyone who drinks will turn into an alcoholic, but I still don't find it funny when people joke about drinking a bottle of wine a night. That's just my own issue though, so I don't comment when I see it.
My mom just acts like none of this happened. It's only talked about among the kids. My mom and dad are both RN's (my mom always has been, my dad graduated nursing school after the divorce. He was going to make everything up to us, remember?) and make very good money for themselves. That doesn't make everything just go away. I'm still so angry at both of them. SO FUCKING ANGRY! I want a goddamn apology. I want a redo. I want to know what it's like to grow up with parents that care about you.
This was heavy. I've just been crying about it all week and it felt good to get it out!
I don't think my dad deserves that phone call tomorrow.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Done!
I'm finally done with the Spring semester! I finished with 4 A's and a B. Effing Keyboarding 2, ruining my perfect streak lol. Actually, that B didn't upset me like I thought. All is well on the school front.
I started temping this week, and it was kind of a disaster. I kind of forgot how important it was to take your temp at the same time every morning, so my temps were all over the place. So I discarded all of those temps and have set an everyday alarm on my phone so I'll wake up to temp at the same time each day. Hopefully it'll work a little better this time.
Other than that, it's been surprisingly quiet around here. Although, I did find out that my in-laws will be here in September for like 2 weeks. Oy.
I started temping this week, and it was kind of a disaster. I kind of forgot how important it was to take your temp at the same time every morning, so my temps were all over the place. So I discarded all of those temps and have set an everyday alarm on my phone so I'll wake up to temp at the same time each day. Hopefully it'll work a little better this time.
Other than that, it's been surprisingly quiet around here. Although, I did find out that my in-laws will be here in September for like 2 weeks. Oy.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Almost there...
The finish line is in sight! I'm done with two of my classes, hoping to finish another one this weekend, and I'll be done with the other two by Friday. I'm so ready to be done! I get about a month long break before my summer class starts.
DH's birthday is in two weeks exactly! It sucks that he works in a restaurant and his birthday falls on a Friday this year. Whomp whomp. I'll find a way to make it up to him.
I bought my BBT thermometer this week. I'm so excited to use it! I'll be curious to see if my bad ovulation pain I get every month fall on, after, or before my actual O day. DH is so supportive. I know a lot of women's husbands get kinda weirded out by the whole temping thing. MH wants me/us to do whatever is going to give us the best possible chance of conceiving. When I first joined TB, I was kind of hesitant about temping and charting. But after seeing how many women say they wish they had started before TTC, I'm not willing to just go with the flow for the first few months like I originally thought. I've waited long enough to be a mom.
DH's birthday is in two weeks exactly! It sucks that he works in a restaurant and his birthday falls on a Friday this year. Whomp whomp. I'll find a way to make it up to him.
I bought my BBT thermometer this week. I'm so excited to use it! I'll be curious to see if my bad ovulation pain I get every month fall on, after, or before my actual O day. DH is so supportive. I know a lot of women's husbands get kinda weirded out by the whole temping thing. MH wants me/us to do whatever is going to give us the best possible chance of conceiving. When I first joined TB, I was kind of hesitant about temping and charting. But after seeing how many women say they wish they had started before TTC, I'm not willing to just go with the flow for the first few months like I originally thought. I've waited long enough to be a mom.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
UGGGGHHH
So I've had the stomach flu since Friday night. Yay! It was pretty horrible. Thankfully R and I are passed the stage where it might be embarrassing. The icing on the cake however, was starting my period in the middle of it. How did I get so lucky? I'm feeling better today, finally. I managed to keep down a small salad for dinner.
My motivation for this semester is just gone. In fact, I just feel like I never had it. I don't know if I'm just not into my classes or what. It's not like I'm flunking. I might get a "B" in Keyboarding 2. Hardly failing I know, but last semester I would have cried. I think my depression is just kicking my ass. My depression seems to flare up pretty bad in the winter, so I'm hoping that now that it's April and getting warmer that I can cheer up on my own. I really, really, don't want to go back on my Lexapro. I can do this!
My motivation for this semester is just gone. In fact, I just feel like I never had it. I don't know if I'm just not into my classes or what. It's not like I'm flunking. I might get a "B" in Keyboarding 2. Hardly failing I know, but last semester I would have cried. I think my depression is just kicking my ass. My depression seems to flare up pretty bad in the winter, so I'm hoping that now that it's April and getting warmer that I can cheer up on my own. I really, really, don't want to go back on my Lexapro. I can do this!
Friday, April 12, 2013
Need to Get Workin on My Fitness
I really need to lose weight. I'm miserable. I feel awful in everything I wear, I feel completely unattractive. I get these random bursts of motivation, and I'll do great for a few days, and then I something happens and I get discouraged. I hate myself at this weight. I'm not huge by any means, but this is by far the biggest I've ever been.
So far this week, I've done really well. I'm really trying hard to see it not as a diet, but as a lifestyle change. Now I just need to get my chunky butt off the couch to work out! My husband is a huge inspiration. He lost 75 pounds before we met, and has kept the weight off for years. He eats extremely healthy, works out every day (even at work) and is just amazing. I wish I had his motivation!
Part of me thinks, well. We're going to start trying for a baby in 6 months. Does it really make sense to lose all the weight just to get pregnant? And then I say SILENCE BRAIN! It does make sense! My body is a vessel for our child, and I need to do a better job in making myself a healthier host.
So far this week, I've done really well. I'm really trying hard to see it not as a diet, but as a lifestyle change. Now I just need to get my chunky butt off the couch to work out! My husband is a huge inspiration. He lost 75 pounds before we met, and has kept the weight off for years. He eats extremely healthy, works out every day (even at work) and is just amazing. I wish I had his motivation!
Part of me thinks, well. We're going to start trying for a baby in 6 months. Does it really make sense to lose all the weight just to get pregnant? And then I say SILENCE BRAIN! It does make sense! My body is a vessel for our child, and I need to do a better job in making myself a healthier host.
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