I dread tomorrow.

Tomorrow is Father's Day. This year, I really am just dreading it. My dad is still alive, he didn't run out on us, and he is usually there when I need him. Not anymore.

I'm still debating whether or not to even call him tomorrow. I've been calling and texting him for 3 months with no response. Him and his new wife update Facebook every day, so why can't he call me back? I found out today that aside from my sister E's wedding, my sister S hasn't talked to him in over a year. He never called to tell her happy birthday, he never called to wish her son a happy birthday, and what hurt her the most is that last year when she was going through a very painful divorce he ignored all her phone calls.

It's no secret that I've had a lifetime of parental issues. My parents are both alcoholics. My parents divorced when I was 16, after Dad had gotten arrested in front of my little sister. He spent 3 months in jail and swore to me that he would spend every day of his life making it up to us, making everything up to us.

My mom lacks the maternal instinct. Well. let me rephrase that, she only bonds with certain kids. I knew as early as 4 that my mom didn't treat me the same way she treated 2 of my sisters. To this day, those 2 sisters walk on water while the 3 other kids get nothing from her. I'm not talking about money or gifts (although those 2 get cars, clothes, cell phones, etc, while we get nothing), I mean the entire time I lived in California I never heard from her. Two whole years. I would try to call, and I would get nothing. But she would call my sister who also lived in California every fucking Sunday. R and I moved to IL over a year ago, live in the same town as my mom, and she has no idea where we live. She's never been to my house. But she goes to my little sister's house (who lives a few miles out of town) all the time.

My parents blew all our money of drinking and (probably) drugs. My dad bounced around from job to job. We were homeless a few times. We rarely had electricity or running water when we did actually have a place to live. We never had clean clothes. We ate Ramen almost every night for dinner. I got teased mercilessly. CPS got called multiple times, and somehow, we were never taken away. Sometimes, I wondered how I would of ended up if we had.

When I see people joke around on TB about drinking, I kind of get stabby. I understand that not everyone who drinks will turn into an alcoholic, but I still don't find it funny when people joke about drinking a bottle of wine a night. That's just my own issue though, so I don't comment when I see it.

My mom just acts like none of this happened. It's only talked about among the kids. My mom and dad are both RN's (my mom always has been, my dad graduated nursing school after the divorce. He was going to make everything up to us, remember?) and make very good money for themselves. That doesn't make everything just go away. I'm still so angry at both of them. SO FUCKING ANGRY! I want a goddamn apology. I want a redo. I want to know what it's like to grow up with parents that care about you.

This was heavy. I've just been crying about it all week and it felt good to get it out!

I don't think my dad deserves that phone call tomorrow.